Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru Written by Chris Hicks writechriswrite@gmail.com
INT CAR DEALERSHIP DAY At a car dealership, the (female, mid 20s) is sitting at the table when the (male, 30/40s, southern accent) approaches with the contract for a new car. He sits across from her at the table. It looks like we're all set here, Miss Fletcher. We just have to go through the sales agreement, initial and sign all the right boxes and you'll be out the door with your new car. Excellent, excellent. I have to say this has been a very smooth process so far. Well here at Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru, we make the buying process easy. No pressure sales, no hidden fees, everything we do is up front and out in the open so when you leave here, you leave happy. How about we go through the agreement? flips open the contract and hands the a pen. First if you can initial the agreed upon price of the vehicle, $21,850 for a 2016 Kia Sorrento. Which, let's be honest, is a hell of a deal. Isn't that a hell of a deal? It is a hell of a deal. I visited 3 other dealerships and your price was the best by far. Here at Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru we pride ourselves on having the best prices and
best customer service. When you shop Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru, we don't just want you as a customer, we want you as a customer for life. Initial here and sign. initials and signs. flips to the next page. And here is the 100,000 mile bumper to bumper warranty including powertrain. Initial here and sign. initials and signs. flips to the next page. And here is your Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru service agreement for free oil changes and tire rotations. Initial here and sign. initials and signs. flips to the next page. And here is your Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru new vehicle voodoo curse package. Initial here and sign. begins to sign, then stops. What is this again? It's your standard voodoo curse package comes with every new vehicle purchase here at Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru.
Voodoo curse package? That's right! Initial here and sign. is smiling, pointing at the sales agreement. So when I sign this I'm going to get a voodoo curse? Yep! Initial here and sign. Is it for me to use on someone else or is the curse for me? Pause for a beat. The curse is on you. Comes standard with every new vehicle purchase here at Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru. I don't think I want that. But it comes standard. Yeah, I don't want a voodoo curse, I just want the car. Can't you remove the voodoo curse? You see Miss Fletcher, the voodoo curse package comes standard on every new vehicle purchase here at Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru. We provide this at no additional charge to you.
No additional cost? No additional cost. Initial here and sign. smiling and pointing to the agreement. But I don't want that. If it comes standard can't you just take it off? We're not adding any additional cost for providing you with this service. No. No I don't want it. I don't want a voodoo curse. You need to remove this from the sales agreement. sighs as he stands up from the table. Just sit tight right here Miss Fletcher while I go over this with my Sales Manager. The leaves. While the customer waits, the VOODOO PRIESTESS (female) wanders in to grab a cup of coffee from the machine across from the customer. The VOODOO PRIESTESS is wearing all sorts of witch doctor adornments and has her face painted up like a skull. She nods at the customer and exits. The is still looking shocked as the re enters with the (male, 40s/50s).
Miss Fletcher, this is my Manager Tom Bortz. He wanted to come in and talk to you about the sales agreement. The shakes the 's hand and sits at the table. So you're having second thoughts about purchasing your 2016 Kia Sorrento? No, I very much still want to purchase the vehicle. That's great! What I don't want is a voodoo curse. Pause for a beat. and exchange looks. We re having some difficulty understanding why you want to remove the voodoo curse package from the sales agreement. Why? I just don t want it. But, we provide this service at no additional cost to you. It costs us money to do it, and we re just giving it to you, free. I don't care. I still don't want it.
The looks at the, who shrugs in disbelief. So you just don t want it? Yes, exactly that. I just want the car. I don't want the voodoo curse. The and the both get up. Well we want you as a customer Miss Fletcher, so give us a few minutes to put our heads together and see what we can come up with to make you satisfied with your deal. Give us a moment to talk this over. We'll be right back. Both the and leave again. The pulls out his/her phone and starts messing with it when the VOODOO PRIESTESS walks in again. The VOODOO PRIESTESS sets her coffee down and stands at the table across from the and begins chanting, shaking her walking stick and going into a voodoo trance. Voodoo music starts playing as the lights flicker. The is visibly freaked out and is looking around for help. What? No! Stop! Please! Stop! Help! I don't want the voodoo curse! The and rush in again as the customer is yelling at the VOODOO PRIESTESS to stop the curse. Madam Tibedaux, hold your horses!
VOODOO PRIESTESS What? She's getting the new Kia, yes? Yes, but she's having second thoughts about the voodoo curse. The VOODOO PRIESTESS stares at the, then back to the sales staff, dumbfounded. VOODOO PRIESTESS She know it comes standard, right? Both the and shrug and roll their eyes. The VOODOO PRIESTESS looks at the, shakes her head and wanders out, yelling in French as she leaves. The is still stunned as the sales staff sits down at the table again. Well we have talked it over with Teddy Beaumont Jr, son of Teddy Beaumont, the founder of Teddy Beaumont Kia Nissan Hyundai Subaru. And he came up with a suggestion that should make all parties happy. Between you and I? He has never done this before, so that should say how much your business means to us. Are you removing the voodoo curse package? After talking it over with Teddy Jr, we have decided to remove the voodoo curse package
Great! And upgrade you to the deluxe voodoo curse package, no additional cost! Customer stares at the and, who are both beaming smiles. The deluxe voodoo curse package? At no additional cost. So, I'm still getting cursed, only now it s... Deluxe! Pause as stares in disbelief at the smiling sales staff. And what about it makes it deluxe? The and exchange a glance. Well, it's deluxe. But what does that mean?
That means it's better than standard. But you're still getting the standard price, which is no additional cost. But I'm still getting cursed. Yes. But it's the deluxe package. But why is it deluxe? You can't call it the deluxe package if there's no difference from the standard package. sighs heavily. Well, usually the deluxe voodoo curse package is an additional $1500 on the price of the car, but we're waiving that fee just for you. So instead of getting cursed for no additional cost, I'm getting cursed for $1500, but you're waiving the fee. Exactly! Now you've got it!
The offers a pen to the and flips the contract to the right page. Initial here and sign. The looks back and forth between the and SALES MANAGER, who are both smiling eagerly. I changed my mind. I don't want the car. The stands up and starts walking away. The and lean together and whisper. How about we throw in free floormats and a year of Sirius XM Satellite radio? The stops at the door to contemplate. Make it two years. The and have a small sidebar, then the scribbles on the contract and holds it out to the customer. Just initial here and sign. END.